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In Romeo and Juliet, Shakespeare creates a violent world, in which two young people fall in love It is not simply that their families disapprove the Montagues and the Capulets are engaged in a blood feudIn this death filled setting, the movement from love at first sight to the lovers final union in death seems almost inevitable And yet, this play set in an extraordinary world has become the quintessential story of young love In part because of its exquisite language, it is easy to respond as if it were about all young lovers Every emo fourteen year old s dream In bullet point form fall in love with hot boy girl delete as appropriate that parents can t stand tender words and some sex gotta find out what that s like major tragic incident that really wasn t your fault, you were provoked everyone s mad at you die beautiful death in loved one s arms parents finally understand how much they cared about you and are sorry they didn t treat you better when you were alive.So how did Shakespeare manage to Every emo fourteen year old s dream In bullet point form fall in love with hot boy girl delete as appropriate that parents can t stand tender words and some sex gotta find out what that s like major tragic incident that really wasn t your fault, you were provoked everyone s mad at you die beautiful death in loved one s arms parents finally understand how much they cared about you and are sorry they didn t treat you better when you were alive.So how did Shakespeare manage to turn this heap of crap, which even Zac Efron would think twice about, into one of the most moving stories of all time If you still need proof that he was a genius, look no further Romeo and Juliet, abridged.ROMEO I m Romeo, and I used to be emo and annoying but now I m so totally in luuuuurve and it s AWESOME MERCUTIO Okay, three things One, there s only room in this play for one awesome character and it s me, bitch Two, you re still emo and annoying Three, didn t you say that exact same stuff yesterday about Rosaline ROMEO Who meanwhile, Juliet prances around her room and draws hearts on things and scribbles Mrs Juliet Montague in her diary over and over Beca Romeo and Juliet, abridged.ROMEO I m Romeo, and I used to be emo and annoying but now I m so totally in luuuuurve and it s AWESOME MERCUTIO Okay, three things One, there s only room in this play for one awesome character and it s me, bitch Two, you re still emo and annoying Three, didn t you say that exact same stuff yesterday about Rosaline ROMEO Who meanwhile, Juliet prances around her room and draws hearts on things and scribbles Mrs Juliet Montague in her diary over and over Because she is THIRTEEN How old is Romeo supposed to be Let s not talk about that, k CAPULET Good news, Juliet I found you a husband PARIS Hello, I m a complete tool JULIET Daddy, I don t want to marry that apparently decent and unflawed guy I m in love with Romeo Montague we met yesterday and it was HOT CAPULET I WILL BE DAMNED IF I SEE MY ONLY DAUGHTER MARRIED TO THE ONLY SON OF THE MAN WHO IS MY MORTAL ENEMY FOR REASONS TOO UNIMPORTANT TO SPECIFY IN THIS PLAY JULIET stamps foot, runs off to her room to watch High School Musical again and sulk TYBALT Hey Romeo, your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries MONTAGUE POSSE Oh, snap.MERCUTIO YOU TAKE THAT BACK TYBALT MAKE ME ROMEO No You can t fight him, Mercutio because I already married his cousin TYBALT I KEEL YOU Romeo attempts to stop the fight and fails miserably MERCUTIO FUCK YOU ALL dies ROMEO Okay, forget what I said about not fighting I KEEL YOU TYBALT dies PRINCE I ve had enough of your shit, Emo McStabbypants You re banished ROMEO Waaaaaahhhhhh I m banished and Juliet is going to marry another guy and it s not fair WHY DOES GOD HATE ME FRIAR LAURENCE Jesus Christ, not this again Okay, if you promise to grow a pair, I ll help you and your wife out Here s the plan she takes a potion that ll make her go into a coma, and then she ll get put in the family tomb and then you ll sneak back into town, break into the tomb, wait until she wakes up, and then the two of you escape and live happily ever after It s perfect AUDIENCE the hell Shockingly, the plan fails Romeo goes back to the tomb pausing to kill Paris just for good measure , but he thinks Juliet s dead and drinks poison and dies, and then like two seconds later she wakes up and sees that Romeo isn t mostly dead like she was, he s dead, so she stabs herself MONTAGUE Wow, we are awful parents CAPULET I have an idea let s make solid gold statues of our dead children to commemorate their love and serve as a constant reminder of the fact that our only children killed themselves because we were such uncaring parents they actually do this SHAKESPEARE Beat that, Stephenie Meyer THE END.Read for 9th grade EnglishBONUS courtesy of The Second City Network Every Shakespeare heroine needs a sassy gay friend I m not sure what annoys methe play that elevated a story about two teenagers meeting at a ball and instantly falling in love then deciding to get married after knowing each other for one night into the most well known love story of all time, or the middle schools that feed this to kids of the same age group as the main characters to support their angst filled heads with the idea that yes, they really are in love with that guy girl they met five minutes ago, and no one can stop them, e I m not sure what annoys methe play that elevated a story about two teenagers meeting at a ball and instantly falling in love then deciding to get married after knowing each other for one night into the most well known love story of all time, or the middle schools that feed this to kids of the same age group as the main characters to support their angst filled heads with the idea that yes, they really are in love with that guy girl they met five minutes ago, and no one can stop them, especially not their meddling parents Keep in mind that Juliet was THIRTEEN YEARS OLD Her father states she hath not yet seen the change of fourteen years in 1.2.9 Even in Shakespeare s England, most women were at least 21 before they married and had children It s not clear how old Romeo is, but either he s also a stupid little kid who needs to be slapped, or he s a child molester, and neither one is a good thing.When I was in middle school or high school, around the time we read this book, I remember a classmate saying in class that when her and her boyfriends eyes met across the quad, they just knew they were meant to be together forever How convenient that her soulmate happened to be an immensely popular and good looking football player, and his soulmate happened to be a gorgeous cheerleader That s not love at first sight, that s lust at first sight If they were really lucky, maybe as time went on they would also happen to click very well, that lust would develop into love it didn t , and they would end up together forever they didn t But if they saw each other at a school dance, decided they were like, totally in love, and then the next day decided to run off and get married, we shouldn t encourage that as a romantic love story, we should slap the hell out of them both to wake them up to reality.For what it s worth, my cynicism doesn t come from any bitterness towards life or love I met my wife when we were 17, and we ve now been together almost 10 years, married for a little over 2 Fortunately for me, she turned out to be awesome If we had decided the day after meeting each other that we were hopelessly in love and needed to get married immediately, we would have been idiots, and I hope someone who I trusted and respected would have slapped me, hard If we were 13 at the time, that would be even worse Enlightened adults injecting this into our youth as a classic love story for the generations, providing further support for their angst filled false ideas of love and marriage, is probably worst of all THIS This is what happens when you jump into a Rebound Relationship.So, when the story opens, Romeo is desperately in love with Rosaline But since she won t give up the booty has sworn to remain chaste, he s all depressed and heartbrokenAnnoying emo styleHis friends, tired of his constant whining, give him a Beyonc mixtape He takes her words to heart, and her lyrics begin to mend his broken soul His boys drag his sad ass to a party, and across a crowded room, Romeo spies his next vi THIS This is what happens when you jump into a Rebound Relationship.So, when the story opens, Romeo is desperately in love with Rosaline But since she won t give up the booty has sworn to remain chaste, he s all depressed and heartbrokenAnnoying emo styleHis friends, tired of his constant whining, give him a Beyonc mixtape He takes her words to heart, and her lyrics begin to mend his broken soul His boys drag his sad ass to a party, and across a crowded room, Romeo spies his next victimer, his really really forreal this time True Love.Meet 13 year old Juliet Who is 13.And how old is Romeo Well, he s old enough to kill Juliet s cousin in a sword fight, soyeah Probably not 13 But since he s such a punk little pussy what with the whining, sobbing, and spouting off crap poetry I m going to assume he s not much older than she is and say 15 or 16 If I m wrong, don t correct me It ll help me sleep tonight Tragically, Juliet is a Hatfield, and Romeo is a McCoy Their families have been feuding over a McCoy pig that was killed during a Hatfield moonshine run decades ago Totally true I swear.Needless to say, tensions are still running high So Shhhhh They gotta keep their love on the down low.And it is love, dammit I mean, they ve stared at each other a whole bunch, and had, like, two conversations This time around, Romeo isn t going to make the same mistake as before, and let the new girl of his dreams slip through his fingersFuck, yeah Time to get married Because marriage will solve all your problems No, really.Pinkie promise And we all know what happened next, right WellIsh.You know, I can t help but wonder what that first encounter would ve been like if they d met when they were older RomeoHey baby, Heaven must be missing an angel Mind if I crawl up to your balcony tonight JulietThe fucktaser cracklesRomeo screams Anyhoo, this isn t a romance, it s a cautionary tale And a pretty funny one at that I originally gave it 3 stars, but I had to bump it up for making me giggle so much Between Romeo Juliet both crying, moping, and twirling around like a tweenage girls and the rest of the cast flailing around to accommodate these idiots, this was waaaaaay better than I remembered it.I listened to this on Playaway, so I got to have the audio version with a full cast of characters, sound effects, and music Loved it Totally recommend going this way if you re planning on trying out Shakespeare